Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
