im six kinds of drunk right now
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
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Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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