I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
