I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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