He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
