I am puke
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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