I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
