If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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