she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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