My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
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