lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
