You don't have asthma, your pregnant
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Randomize
