well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
