i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
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Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
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Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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