So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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