ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
