i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
