I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
high people should be assigned attendants
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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