it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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