I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
