Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
