I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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