just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Randomize
