So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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