I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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