last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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