I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
