hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
