i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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