sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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