some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
