i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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