also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"