I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
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All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
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I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.