decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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