I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
where are my eyebrows?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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