She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
