So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
