Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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