There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
