Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
