i would punch a child for taco bell
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
