The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
