How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
