3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
