I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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