i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
