This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
