just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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