Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
