I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
