and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
