we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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