I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
