JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
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OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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